If your pain mostly stems from the latter, choosing to forgive can help you let those memories go. Forgiveness takes some work on your part. You may never understand why someone did something. But forgiveness requires you to look at your anger and pain and choose to let it go.
This will usually involve developing some understanding of the other person and their circumstances. Holding on to compassion and patience can help you succeed.
This requires you to first embrace those feelings , even the unwanted ones. A good way to check whether you can fully express your feelings? Talk to someone you trust about them. Maybe a close friend did something cruel or dropped you without explanation. Despite your pain and anger, you explored why. Eventually, they explained they were struggling with serious mental health symptoms, and you helped them find support. Someone took your lunch out of the fridge at work? Practice compassion and forgive the theft instead of getting angry.
The person parked next to you scraped your car as they were backing out? It happens. People often struggle with forgiveness when they blame themselves, at least in some small way, for what happened. Self-compassion and self-forgiveness are important tools to have before trying to forgive someone else. If you have trouble forgiving yourself , particularly for circumstances where you did nothing wrong, talking to a therapist can help.
A letter is one-sided. You get to share what you experienced without being interrupted. You can write the letter simply for your own benefit and keep it until you feel ready to reach out. They may have passed away or moved. Once you choose to forgive, you can complete the process by sharing your decision with someone else, such as a loved one, a mentor, a spiritual leader, or someone who understands the situation — even a therapist.
If no one feels right, you can journal about your decision to forgive. I intellectually understood what they meant. My teacher giving me space to not forgive gave me the permission to observe myself and my pain without judgment. I uncovered my resistance by asking myself:. At the time I was a perfectionist and was excelling in my career. I had risen quickly through the ranks of my organization because I pushed myself hard and did a great job.
At the same time there would be moments where I would go into extreme procrastination. I had learned that I procrastinated because I felt like what I should be doing was going to harm me.
I stopped and went into avoidance mode whenever I was afraid that I was going to experience burnout or if I thought I would fail and be rejected. I looked at my reaction to not forgiving my dad in the same way. I was avoiding forgiveness because something about the idea of it made me feel unsafe. I sat down and wrote about why not forgiving my dad was keeping me safe.
In my journaling I was surprised to see that I felt safe with the power I had in not forgiving. She was still in that pain right now. In this moment. And that feeling of power was the only thing keeping her together.
Is couples counselling an option? Or counselling just for yourself? They could both be immensely useful at this juncture. After hanging out as friends we got on great and he told me he wanted to give things another go. Thanks for this brave sharing. It sounds really hard.
It often is when we are the one who goes through the hard parts and then the person moves on and has a better relationship.
But the question here to ask is, is this a pattern? What is it within you that feels you deserve that, where did you learn you must be the one to teach others how to love? What would it feel like to find someone already good at love? Would you actually be comfortable with that, or is there work to do here? These are all great questions to start asking.
And yes, we can absolutely recommend good therapies for this. Read our article on therapies specifically created to help with relating issues.
I was offered a Job by a person whom I thought was a wonderfull man He flew me over from my country to him in his establishment which is a pub restaurant.
To get to the point i was there for 5 months. He kept belittling and taking wgich caused the decli e of resoect toward me from the staff members.
He accused me of many things. When I would ask the what or how or when I woukd be simpmy told that I know the answer. No matter what I did my employer would insult me and often and I mean very often would twist facts and lie much to further damage my confidence. I was filled with anxiety and my confidence over the period I was there took such a nose dive. I bacame very introvert. I becane nervous and self loathing to the point where customers thought I was wurd and taint me in a negative light.
Eventually I was accused of theft even though camera footage showed otherwise. The final blow came when I was on shift and I was summoned to the bosses office to be handed a letter stating termination of employment with the accusation of soliciting drugs and woman abuse!! I was removed by security and left homeless and my boss feeling elated as if I was his worst enemy.
I was barred from ever entering the premises. I was staying in a flat upstairs. I was blocked from social media and all communication. That was 4 months ago. I still feel depressed and I feel lost rejected and hate my self. I still have no answer as to why all this abuse.
I was assaulted a few times. My boss had been using cocaine and has a history of woman abuse and many other dark past deeds. I just cant fet over my depression.
I am trying to brush it off but ny whoke being screams what has happened calls for some form of repercussions!! Yes like all human beings I have been through other injustices but did not hold on to it. I am battling to describe the intensity of the situatiom.
How do I find healing? Hi Nick, we are sorry to hear you have had such a horrific experience. Often if we constantly find ourselves in tough situations where we are being abused, criticised, and treated badly it is because in our childhood we developed the core beliefs that we are not worthy.
We did not have a safe, happy childhood where we were fully loved no matter what we did. As an adult we then constantly put ourselves in dangerous situations were we are a victim, and make impulsive decisions that end up not being good for us.
Because on a certain unconscious level we believe we deserve bad things to happen. Nobody deserves this sort of treatment. You have to commit to believing you are worthwhile.
If we did not grow up believing in our own worth, we have to start to accept that we are not a victim, that we are powerful and can make better choices for ourselves, but we often need support for that. You say you are depressed. Talk to your GP about this, or seek free or low cost counselling using our guide bit.
If you ever feel really low read our article on free helplines in the UK bit. The first incident. The following week we were out drinking got home and he snapped again! This time braking things in my house i left my home and as i was so upset my friend called the police. Since then he has got a good job and a car and wants to make another go of it. Hi Ailish, thanks for sharing.
There is sadly no way this is about a job and a car. Your ex has deep-seated rage that put your personal safety in danger. It appears it comes out when he drinks. It will be rooted in childhood. First he needs help with his drinking, second he needs therapy for anger issues.
We are not here to tell anyone how to lead their life or if they should or should not be in a relationship. We believe each person has their own wisdom. The best thing here is to ask yourself some good questions. How high is your self-esteem? Do you have beliefs that you deserve to be treated well, or that you deserve to put up with things?
You mention children. Do you have beliefs about finding a relationship now you have children? Are those beliefs facts, or just assumptions you have made? We hope that helps.
My then boyfriend 5 years ago dumped me to go after my niece. My niece also fell for him from what i can see. I have been through a lot of counselling, meditation and prayers to get myself to this stage where i can think of the situation and feel no or less hurt.
I had thought i had everything under control but when recently the news of their plan to get married got to me, i felt a little bit of hurt. I think the hurt was because my niece actually gave me the impression that they were no longer together when she came to visit me. I told the person telling me about it that i would not be at the wedding. She said i have to be and i got pissed with her.
What i am asking for is this, they can go ahead and do what ever they want but without me involved in it but some people think that means i am yet to forgive them. Does this mean i have not forgiven them yet because God knows i really want to let this go. But why cant i control how this makes me feel? Oh Esther what a ghastly situation! We feel that you are being more than fair. What does it matter if you have forgiven them yet or not?
Forgiveness is when you are ready, not when others demand it. What matters is that you are doing what you can to take care of yourself in a way that feels right for you. And are not hurting anyone in the process. Which you are not. Anyone would feel shocked and hurt to be betrayed like this, and asking you to give your blessing and go to the wedding is simply asking too much.
Stand up for yourself and do what feels right for you. As for controlling feelings, if only! In fact trying to is behind a lot of psychological illness. Yes, we have to control emotions enough to get along with daily lives. But otherwise, if you feel angry or sad, best to acknowledge it. Spend some time alone journalling, punching a pillow, ranting out loud, and having a good cry.
My friend of 15 years and I began a relationship after his marriage of 28 years broke down. I did know he was uncertain as to what he wanted and so I kept asking him if he was ok to keep the relationship going. I was always honest about how I felt and fell in love with him. Just before my second trip to see him I found out my mum was dying so I was feeling very vulnerable. I was and still am really heartbroken. He seemed to expect me to go back to being friends straight away and I tried.
I was very conflicted and rang a friend of his to gain some clarity. I know being adopted and from my own therapy I have some abandonment issues and that they have been triggered by my experiences with him and by Mum dying. I would really appreciate your thoughts and comments. Fiona, you are going through a lot. You have experienced a double loss, both a relationship and your mother, which is huge.
Give yourself time to grieve and be messy. This relationship became the thing you held onto as what made life good, perhaps. Which is always a dangerous game. What make life good is what is within us.
Our own innate value that nobody else can give to us but is waiting within. There is a sense he was a sort of saviour you were hoping for.
Perhaps you never felt loved by others a child? And deep down were waiting for that Prince archetype? But you are a resilient woman. You have reached out for support and are in therapy. You are in the process of saving yourself, which is really the only person who can do the job anyway. Be proud of yourself for that. Recognise your own resilience and strength. Finally, you are ruminating, your thoughts are veering toward obsessive, you are making small things into big dramas and this situation is dominating your mind.
What would be best for you? Would a complete break help you? It an also be used as a way to keep contacting someone who is not really good for us. Hope that helps. Hi my name is lex. Everything started last year August, he was in a relationship same as I was. We were housemate at that time. One night we went out we cheated on our partner and then we did it again a couple of times. I was in a long distance relationship while he was in a normal one. I saw the girl many times at home with him.
There was no feeling between me and him in the beginning but then on November last year he told me he loves me. He parents came over Christmas and he went on holidays without her. He came back on January this year, he said he loves me and was going to leave that girl so we can be together.
He said to me he will have to do it when his parents leave, otherwise it will make such a drama and mess around the family. So he left on the 6th of February. I saw him with that girl before I had to accept the fact she was around in January because his parents was here. Then he brake up on the 6 of February to be with me.
How do I get over this? Please help me? What we would say is that you are young. This might feel like the most important thing in the world, but it sounds like you are still learning about trust and love and what constitutes a healthy relationship. It might be that it stems from deeper childhood issues that mean you are attracted to situations that are dramatic and anxiety-inducing. I learned about 7 years ago that he cheated on me with a childhood friend of his. And had not been honest with me within the entire 17 years.
We semi talked and I tried to forgive and move on. And not just with the childhood friend. It has been at least three others even when I was pregnant with our son who is now 15 and 9. When I discovered the recent text which was in April. All those hurt feelings come back. I try to stay positive for the future but it still hurts.
Nikki, it sounds like you put up with an awful lot and hidden behind what you are saying there seems to be a bit of self blame.
As if you are somehow responsible. Simply as this is no small thing but a big mess involving your self-esteem that will have childhood roots, and you need a set of impartial, non judgemental eyes to see the woods from the trees.
Hey I recently my best friend said something to me to hurt me. I thought I let it go but it resurfaced after just few days. So I keep trying to create a situation in which I can tell him the exact same thing he said to me.
But this way I am just hurting myself and wasting my time just thinking about it all over and over again. Hi Jo. So what we seem to have here is ruminating obsessive negative thinking. Did you know that you can share how you think and feel with others without causing conflict or coming across as picking a fight? We suggest you do some research on communication.
Keeping all your real thoughts and feelings bottled up will never lead to healthy relationships that support you and create a space for you to be yourself and grow as a person. And it also means other people will often be nervous and uncomfortable around you, sensing you hide things and are not really being honest.
I stopped corresponding with my sister as I felt she was putting no effort into our relationship plus I was going through some stuff after a cancer diagnosis, surgery then full blown menopause. When I stopped emailing she never once called to see if their was anything wrong. I recently tried to re establish contact only to find out that my cousin had died and my sister told me that she had decided to withhold the information from me as I had chosen to remove myself from the family.
I wanted to re establish my relationship with her but I cannot get past what she did. If she had even shown any sign of remorse I could have worked on our relationship but she is standing firm. I have tried and tried to see it from her side but I cannot see how she can justify this action as an okay thing to do.
Life can be one heck of a ride. Family is hard. And forgiveness is hard. And illness and injury are an incredibly vulnerable time. When friends and family are not there for us in the way we know we would be there for them, it can feel crushing and utterly lonely, yes.
And maybe it also exposes how we have over-given in certain relationships, which can also feel tough to see. At the end of the day, we forgive when we are ready to forgive and not to the timing we want.
Acceptance is an interesting thing to look at. As is compassion. Can I not forgive someone and yet have compassion for them? Can I not forgive someone but have compassion for myself? Can I accept that right now I am at war with my sister? And accept all these feelings I have? Finally, there is a real sense here that you expect to give and receive in equal measure. What if relationships are not about equal measure? And never will be?
Even with family? What does it feel like when you consider that? And instead of expecting a return, gave because it felt good? All things to ponder. Someone has let us down three times regarding very serious situations. The first time it happened it made no sense but we moved passed it and told the other party that they must be open with us about their reasoning on why they had agreed to do something and then at the last minute changed their mind.
The were thankful that we were willing to move on from this and promised that they would be more open about their reasoning. Nevertheless they did it again And we again reminded them about how this was a repeat from last time and all that was required was for them to be open about their thinking. They were thankful, then did it again.
We left it at that for a long time after that maintaining minimal contact to see if perhaps in the future we could resume our relationship after time had healed things.
It did and we were moving forward to a better place. When we finally agreed to meet for the first time as families they bought up a sore topic at a bad time. It took us by surprise and we were uncomfortable with it. It appeared to be tactless. We became scared and decided to cancel a future plan we had made with them. They are now furious and while they have the right to be, after we gave our explanation they said they were not satisfied and no longer trusted us. We reminded them that they had done something similar to us 3 times and although it is hard we can move on if we can get passed this.
They said they could not and that those three events were in the past and could not be considered as we had agreed to start again. Is there a way to get them to see that they have been given the chances and all we are asking for is 1? Hi Jacky, it sounds like a lot of drama and complications between you and this other couple, and like you really want to control things.
What is not clear here is what it is that compels you to feel you need a relationship with this other couple. Also, is this level of complication something you often experience in your relationships? As for trying to control what the other couple thinks and does, not possible. The only person you can have control over here is yourself. I am really angry with my husband, why? I have talked about it with him, he said what else do I want him to do, I told him things I would have wanted him to be doing but he has not changed a bit.
What should I do please? Hi Felicia, it sounds like a classic case of miscommunication. Otherwise, if you are both willing, we would highly recommend couples therapy. My mom left me when i was 13 to be with a man my dad wasant around i had to look after my sister and house i went to jail at 14 fo robbery we had no electric whilst i was in there they moved bk in put my stuff in the skip had a child and turned my room into a nursery im 31 now with a 10 year old son and a little girl on the way i thought it would be nice for my boy to have a nan an grandad so i gave them the opurtunaty after all the hurt to be in his life they let him down am i right to disown her and not let her meet my next child cus it hurts and is not good ive expained feelings on numurous acacions and nothink changes.
You have to decide that for yourself. That said, what we can do is notice all that is going on in this comment. A lot of hurt, anger, and confusion. A sense of rejection and abandonment, and a real desire for a safe, loving life.
These are all important things, Lee. And what it sounds like is you never had any support. There was no-one there when you needed it, and you felt uncared for. The only person you have any power over is yourself. So sometimes the best thing we can do as a parent is take care of ourselves before we pass on our anger and hurt to our kids unwittingly. This is all a lot to deal with alone, have you ever had support? Talked to a therapist or counsellor?
The first part of your article.. We cannot forgive the person because they triggered a past emotion.. A girl spread a gossip that I am building hopes and dreams about her ex. The guy confronted me and immediately burst all my bubbles.
I felt humiliated and rejected. In my mind, I keep on imagining that the girl did that on purpose and wanted to make me a laughing stock, especially in front of this guy. I am furious until now and whenever I hear the name or see this girl, I feel this intense emotion of fury. What she said was right. Maybe having it confirmed and answered by the guy made it worst.
Aysa, this sounds really hard. We are sorry you had to go through it. It might be that there is a dynamic of wanting to win love from someone, like your parents, for example, but then always feeling rejected that you keep repeating. If this feels true, if it seems to be a pattern, then definitely consider counselling. Patterns can be hard to break alone, and a therapist can help you find your way through and offer you non-judgemental support.
I find it hard to forgive those people who hurt me so much,.. Eli, what a horrible thing to have to go through. But can you take a second to give yourself some credit here? You had the strength to walk away. That is amazing. And dreaming of killing them is also normal. Violent thoughts after betrayal happen to many of us.
They are just thoughts. So try to go easy on yourself. You are not going to act on these these thoughts. The next thing is to do whatever you can to shift all your attention onto you.
You need all your energy for yourself now, to build up your self esteem. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm.
Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:. Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root.
If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you're a grudge holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:. As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt.
You might even find compassion and understanding. Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit wrong. If you find yourself stuck:. If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate.
Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.
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